Ask A Coach

Long past sexual abuse affecting my weight now?

I recently read something Dara wrote about working with someone who had sexual abuse in her childhood and it was a factor in her holding into weight well into adulthood. This jumped out at me and brought to my recollection my experience of sexual abuse from my maternal grandfather when I was 11-12 years old. He was a constant threat to me until he passed away when I was 18. I mostly managed to avoid being alone with him from ages 13-18, which kept me safe from more abuse for the most part. I did not tell my parents or anyone for fear of being blamed and shamed. (and I found out much later in life he had told my mom I was a liar before he passed away and when she asked what I lied about he would not answer and changed the subject. I had a cousin who he also abused that the entire family knew as a liar and I realized he was setting it up so no one would believe me if I told anyone, just as her parents did not believe her, instead they believed him. Knowing my shy & sensitive peacemaker self at that time in my life I feel my silence protected me in a way, even though I wish I had had an adult I felt safe enough to tell them.)

I have had counseling about this and have done a lot of inner work & healing around it and it is something that very rarely crosses my mind anymore. I was even able to get rid of that extra weight and live at or very close to my ideal weight for a few blissful years, until I gave birth that is and then not long after that experienced sexual harassment from a man I worked with. Even as weight has piled back on over the past 15-ish years, I live my life and don’t think of myself as a victim…….and yet, when I read Dara’s comments, I felt something inside tell me that my extra weight now is connected to this sexual trauma and not feeling safe in a slender, sexy body.

At age 12 I gained a lot of weight and I was teased by other kids in school a lot and I hated being fat. At the time I did not connect it to the abuse I experienced, but as an adult I see the connection clearly.
I slimmed down by age 19 and was at a good weight and felt good in my body for the most part. It was later after getting married I put on weight and particularly after the man I worked with hit on me on and I didn’t know how to handle it other than faking a laugh and avoiding him. At the time I blamed the weight gain on stress, stubborn pregnancy weight, raising kids, working and busy life and me loving to sneak treats at night after everyone else went to bed.

I am ready now to explore this and heal as I melt off this extra weight in this program. I am thankful to have found you Dara!

What are some thoughts you could recommend to help me get started on this path?

Answer:

I really appreciate you bringing this to me. This is definitely a journey with peaks and valleys. There will be times where you feel safe and confident and there are other times when you want to scream and shout. I love that you are here in the membership and equipped with these thought tools that will help you navigate what will be best for you.

Now that you know there is a connection between your body and how you use food to not draw attention to yourself, this awareness is key to recovery. Being in a thin body means so much more than being on the front of a magazine or being vain. Being a thin and healthy body means you have freedom and health, longevity of life and possibility. Stay committed to becoming your most authentic and happy self by learning the tools and using them.